Humour

The Church of St. Peter
The Perfect Priest
The perfect paster preaches exactly ten minutes
He condemns sin, but never hurts anybody's feelings,
He works from eight in the morning until midnight and is also the Church janitor,
He is twenty-nine years old, and has forty years experience,
He makes fifteen house calls a day and is always in the office.
 
Dear Lord - Please Write
A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

You Can't Take it With You
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
 
You Know You’re an Anglican When
Half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
 
You consider the monthly potluck a sacrament

The only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"

You've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out

There's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"

Your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men

"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service

You're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday

How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The old one is complete and sufficient sufficient unto itself, and should not be changed according to the world's whims.

Four. One to call the electrician, one to clear it with the vestry, and two to argue about how much better candles were.

Five. One to screw in the new bulb and four to found an organization for the preservation of the old bulb.

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.

What do you mean change? I'll have you know my grandfather bought that lightbulb, and I'm not gonna see anyone change that on some stupid whim. That's the problem today -- no respect for what our families have put into this church all these years....

A Modern-Day Driving Parable
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car
.
 
Parting of the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
 
Playing Hookey
There was a Minister who was in all respects a good man. He cared for his congregation deeply but he was afflicted with one vice. He was an avid golfer. Living as he did in Canada, the golfing year was limited to the few months that pass for spring and summer.
 
It was one of those mornings when spring suddenly burst on the scene. He was up early because it was Sunday and he had just a few changes that he wanted to make in his sermon. It was probably the singing of the birds that led to what happened.
 
He called one of his trusted friends, assumed the voice of one suffering from a terrible cold and asked his friend to cover his service as he was feeling very poorly. His friend agreed. That done the Reverend loaded his golf clubs into his car and drove for three hours to a course where no one would know him.
 
It was on the first hole. An angel looked down saw what was happening and went directly to God. "Look at this", he said, " A man of God missing a Sunday service to play golf." God looked down and said "Yes, I suppose he need some kind of punishment."
 
The Minister addressed the ball, swung smoothly and watched in utter amazement as the ball carried perfectly around a dogleg, bounced on the green and followed a difficult break to roll into the hole.
 
"I thought you were going to punish him." The angel said.
 
God replied, "I did. Who can he tell about this?"
 
 
 
The Lord Will Provide
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."
 
Teddy Vision
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
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